The lost symphony

Trees, the poetic symphony of the author ;

Man, the crown of the author's creation ;

Now wants to fell trees to write his own symphonies.

That tragic day the poet who had authored such a beauty;

Saw his own creation turn his poetic symphonies to flames.

"Save Trees- They are some beautiful poetic brilliance"

- Eben Lesley 

Poetry dated - 6.12.2022

Painting dated- 11.10.2022

   

She was, what a storm was not that day!

When the ocean unleashes its fury to welcome a storm and the ships are driven onto rocks, there she stands, a statuesque symbol. She shines her bright light through the skies, aiding the sailor home through the thickest fog and stormiest night. She stands through every storm, calling each sailor home. 

Despite the bad storm and the high tide, every sailor is on a strenuous lookout for a lighthouse, which sparks in him a tiny flicker of that dazzling light to brave the weather and return home. 'Twas that day for Les and I on 12^th of August 2016.

Lesley was pursuing his MD in General medicine in CMC, Vellore. Our second baby was due on 12^th August 2016. On 8^th August, while Lesley returned from work, our older daughter Grace had high spiking fever accompanied with seizures. We carried her to the hospital and got her admitted.  Due to scarcity of private rooms we were first admitted to the general ward. Being a full term pregnant mother, sleeping on the same bed with the child was quite a task that night. My parents in law and our friends from church visited us and helped us.  It was very difficult for us to watch her suffer. Once we got shifted to the private ward, it was a little easy. There was a small play room opposite the pediatric ward. This pediatric ward play room in CMC has seen tears of many parents like us. It has seen smiles of children who play around with IV lines or slings or catheters. And Grace was one among them. They wanted to rule out epilepsy in our daughter. So every procedure she was put through (EEG and Lumbar puncture) was difficult for her and us.

It was a bad storm. Our hearts couldn't brave the weather anymore when on 12th of august 2016, I went into labor while Grace was asleep. We left Grace along with my mom in the pediatric ward and I was wheeled into the labor room at 6.30 am.  It is very difficult for medicine PG residents to get leave in CMC. Now Lesley had some valid reasons.  His first dependent was admitted to the labor ward. His second dependent was admitted to the pediatric ward and his third dependent was on her way into this world. Dr Thambu David was kind enough to give him 4 days of leave.

In all this, a tiny flicker of dazzling light made her way through at 8.30 am. There she lay, just next to me a beautiful child all by herself, so calm, so composed yet so tender and so mild. She touched our hearts and quietened our distressed souls. She was, what a storm was not that day. A bright dazzling light- thus her name Ellen. Her name is also a profound reminder of the love Lesley and I have for each other as a couple. She was our smile during that stormy weather. I pray and wish she always remains this way. A comfort for those in despair, a candle for those in the dark and a lighthouse shining bright for those battling a bad storm. It's customary for the nurses to clean the child, wrap the baby in a soft towel and take it to the family waiting outside. In our case, we had no family waiting outside. It was just Lesley and I. Our family was taking care of Grace in the pediatric ward. We took her in our arms and beheld her beauty as she endured an undisturbed sleep.  

Now the days in CMC were difficult, because they wouldn’t allow me to meet Grace, since both of us were admitted to different wards as inpatients. She was sick and she needed her mother. Parents, parents-in-law, my aunt's family and friends from our church came around to help us. We would never forget the love we got during those difficult times from near and far.  God was very gracious to us. Grace recovered and epilepsy was ruled out. Grace and I got discharged from the respective wards on 14th of august. It was a bad storm indeed!

Back at the hospital, during those nights when our hearts were weak and struck with fear and turmoil, she smiled into our lives like the break of dawn- a beautiful reason to wake another day in hope; a sibling and friend to Grace; a treasure for Lesley and I to hold, nurture and love. She still stands tall, a symbol of God's continual faithfulness during that bad storm, a tiny flicker of God's dazzling bright light - our beautiful Ellen.

-Eben Lesley

" Beautiful Stretch Bands "

I always wondered why am I, who I am – A woman. Most often I see women stretch themselves to the maximum extent possible, for any and every thing, when pressure pumps them from every side, hoping it would give them happiness while the struggle is over.

 No wonder why women were created and ordained by God to bring forth man. Whether in pregnancy or in any aspect of her life, after she stretches herself to bring forth happiness, all that’s left are scars of those stretch marks. Scars which profess happiness are mostly scars of sacrifice and untold pain. 

Women who take care of their family and still go to work stretch themselves to earn a little bit more to support their family better. Then there are those women who love to work, but stretch themselves to resign against their wish, just so that they build their family together. 

Women who knew only to make noodles, poha and bake cakes for breakfast stretch themselves to learn to cook three full meals as per their husband’s taste for breakfast, lunch and supper. You take care of your toddlers at home, send your elder kids to school, clean the house, clean the kids, feed them, play with them and put each to sleep telling stories of their wish. Finally when you lie down to sleep, your hubby asks you to help him with some statistical analysis or proofread his going to be published book or search his bank documents etc… which is very important and yes, o woman, you stretch yourself to help him with what he wants. 

For instance, my mother who is quite occupied the whole day doing household chores, feeding her grand kids and meeting their demands, still stretches herself to keep awake at night when both my kids cry at the same time, so that I sleep with fewer disturbances.

 In all these if the scars of stretch marks remind us of the happiness it brought forth. The stretch marks are worth it. But what if those stretch marks cause pain every time you see them?

Yes women can be compared to some sort of stretchable band. Once they are far stretched and their elasticity gone, their importance comes down.

But stretching does not necessarily end in happiness always. It sometimes only pushes us to stretch even more, causing us to miserably break down,  instead of bouncing back like the way stretch bands usually function.

For instance, your loved ones hurt you real bad, and you stretch yourself out to an extent of being too quick with your mouth. You speak words which, you’ve never spoken before. You stretch yourself to the extent of breaking away from those relationships that hurt you. Women do it to just get heard; not realizing that they’ve ruined it, before it even began. Because at the end of you trying to be heard, your loved one mostly responds by telling, “Now this is too much” or stare at you in strange silence. Both of these responses break you.

 That’s when you realize that you have stretched for the wrong reasons and you’ve ended with scars that hurt a life time.

When women stretch to bring forth love and happiness around families, why are they never greeted with the reply such as “You have stretched too much dear”?  Somehow at the end of giving yourself away, you have nothing left to give. Just stretch marks and the memories etched around them.

Sometimes I wish, our loved ones who are tired of listening to us, also take some effort to stretch  just enough , to atleast remind us that, they understand our emotions too, instead of shutting us out.

Sometimes I wish, we women realize that we need not stretch for reasons that are going to make us less likely to bounce back. So how should we respond when we know, nothing good is going to come out of our trying to stretch?

Be still and know that He is God. And He controls our lives way better than we try controlling. Pray and do what you do best. It could be writing, painting, reading, music, art, poetry, shopping…. anything that just prevents you from stretching. Just do not stretch.

I don’t write so you read. I write because am passionate about it and I just do not want to stretch. And I don’t mind people’s criticism, because whether I like it or not, it has always been my stepping stone to build me up fiercer and stronger enough to bounce back as stretch bands do.

We need to save our privilege of being a stretch band where love grows and where happiness abounds.  I am a woman. I am a stretchable band because God has ordained me to be one and it gives me happiness to be one. I just wish God gives me the wisdom to realize the right space to stretch and leave a legacy.

And when I finally beheld my sunshine

From the moment my pregnancy tests indicated "positive", back on the 5th of May 2014; Lesley and I were overjoyed about having a baby. From anticipating the day we 'll carry our baby home to picking a name, watching him/her grow, the bliss was palpable. Not in the least did we actually fathom the responsibilities that came alongside parenthood. Lesley held me in his arms and whispered "Let us walk this journey together" and sealed it with a gentle kiss on my forehead. What more could I ask for ! A husband who irrefutably promised to put up with me no matter what and a husband who loved me more than himself, only next to God.
I was at the start of a memorable journey of a lifetime with this tiny little life growing inside.Lesley frequently inquired of me, expecting me to reply as to how I felt at the realization that, there was a "Tiny Life" growing inside of me. What ever was my response to him, be it in a million words or so, I bet no man can ever fathom the blessedness of encompassing a "Tiny Life" within or can he even comprehend the avalanche of changes a woman undergoes, in a very short period of time beginning at the conception. Although my due date was 5th of January 2015, God had already timed our little baby's birth into this world. "Before I formed you in the womb , I knew you. Jeremiah 1:5". How reassuring it is to have a God who controls everything in our lives, from the journey of being formed in our mother's womb till the moment we close our eyes forever. Lesley and I knew very well that this little one was from the Lord. A special gift for us to nurture and love. We were also reminded of what the psalmist had to tell us,"Behold, Children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward" in Psalm 127:3. We informed all our loved ones and yes, they blessed us with words which made our hearts glad. 

Right from my childhood I grew up being very attached to my brothers. We loved each other dearly. My elder brother John was all set to tie the knot with my childhood friend Sheba. And their wedding was scheduled for 27th May 2014. Their wedding was the one I dreamed of being a part of since the day they were engaged.Everything seemed so beautiful from my favorite couple tying the knot to the little baby who shared our lives. Until an unexpected turn of events on 20th May 2014, left Les and I anxious. Lesley rushed me to the hospital. He, being a doctor was brimming with fear as to if our little one would make it or not. At that instant, being a non-medico saved me a lot of fear since I actually did not understand what was happening. On the other hand Lesley was profusely panicking as he asked me to lie down on the stretcher in the labor ward. Then reaching out to the Ultra Sound machine in front of him, Lesley tried checking for the baby's heart which was only a few weeks old. Watching his eyes water sent chills down my spine. I knew it was bad news. It was like a bolt out of the blue. My treating doctor , Dr. Asangla Aier Biswas who was on leave had returned home just that evening. But on hearing the mishap, she rushed us to her OPD room and did an ultrasound. She stopped over the heart of the baby, turned the monitor towards Lesley and showed him the beating heart. I saw a smile on Lesley's lips and I realized in my heart that our little one was fighting hard. Dr.Asangla hugged me and remarked, "your little one is a fighter and is not going to give up that easily". On my OPD chart, she wrote "Threatened Abortion" and advised bed rest for the next three months. I was admitted for three days with no family around to help. All our families were expecting our arrival back at home, in furtherance of attending my brother's wedding. My parents had gone over to make preparations for the wedding. The hospital campus where we lived in, treated us like family. Dr.Tony and Dr.Asangla arranged food and help for us during our stay in the hospital. Les and I will never forget those families who loved us like their own. 

Threatened abortion is associated with bleeding and/or uterine cramping while the cervix is closed during early stages of pregnancy.This stage may further progress to spontaneous incomplete or complete abortion if precautions are avoided. Many women who face Threatened Abortion will still be able to carry their baby till term. I wanted to be one among that women. Les and I had desired this little child into our lives. We prayed that God would hold this baby till the end. Dr.Asangla had restricted me from undertaking any travel for the safekeeping of the baby. Lesley was perplexed as to how to break the news to me, of us not attending the wedding. But when he did tell me, I broke down into tears. I needed both. I loved them all. I wanted to be a part of that wedding which I always dreamed of and I wanted to keep the baby from any harm. Any body else who reads this will easily decide which is important, unlike me and I had my reasons. I grew up in boarding school from the age of five where my elder brother took care of me like a parent.I always looked up to him for any and every help. I dearly loved him. And his wife to be is my best friend. We've been friends since seventh grade. We've shared in each others ups and downs. She is like family to me. Her very name brings about the memories I cherish and hold dear to.Not being a part of their wedding grieved me gravely. My unborn child, on the other hand fighting for his/her life needed me to stand strong and stay back to let him/her fight a little longer. Oh God, where have you put me in!! was all I could ask. Despite the setbacks, a resolution had to be taken.
So Lesley briefed our loved ones about the happenings and got all of their suggestions. When John and Sheba came to know of it, Sheba took to tears. And I was inconsolable. Although my parents grieved, they made every effort to make me understand that I had to stay back and stay strong for the little blessing God gave, of His mercy. I secluded myself and spoke to no one for a few days because of the pain I underwent in accepting such a resolution. Not every time does everything happen the way we desire. Of all but this time, I wanted everything to happen the way I desired; because  your favorite couple will tie the knot only once. And yes I had to forego such an event to give that little blessing a chance to fight its life into this world.
39 weeks went by real quick. I had to go through ailment and pain in the course of pregnancy. My parents and in laws took turns to help at home. We were expecting the little one very anxiously. But our little blessing refused to make its way into this world until it heard the harmony of my favorite couple making their way home to spend time with us. John and Sheba came home on our first wedding anniversary which is, 27th December 2014. We had a a small campfire outside our home in the midst of winters cold. John,Sheba, Immanuel (my younger sibling), Lesley and I sang loudly to our hearts content. And our unborn little baby must have rejoiced over the happiness and love we shared among each other. We are very tightly knit siblings and yes we love each other very dearly. That's how our parents grew us. I still remember dad and mom constantly reminding us that we need to always love each other and that love is something money can never buy. I am always proud of them who never esteemed money to love.
On the winters night of 28 December 2014, at 8:48 pm a baby girl smiled into our lives. Lesley held her in his arms and whispered into my ears; "Its a girl and she is "Grace". I beheld her face and adored her beauty. Impeccable elegance and sheer innocence adorned her. Her tiny little features and the charm of enduring an undisturbed sleep in the cold of winters night amazed me. I smiled at Lesley and closed my tired eyes.My treating doctor and the nurses asked Les to shift me to the private room and left for dinner. My parents took Grace to the private room allotted to us and were trying to keep her warm.  While shifting me on to a stretcher, Lesley noticed that I had excessive bleeding. Never have I seen him panic so much ever. I dint realize, the next one hour was going to be my fight. . I looked into his eyes and saw how much he loved me. I saw a will that refused to let me go. A poetry of love, I would have chosen to write if I could.  No one saw it coming. Lesley immediately informed my treating doctor and all of them rushed to the spot.  Les did not have time to inform my family. So they were wondering what kept me waiting in the labor room. I remember holding Lesley's hand repeating , "God have mercy on us". An hour went by, the bleeding came under control and yes God indeed was merciful. I was shifted to private ward henceforth where I slept like a log for 12 long hours. I could barely move. I smiled at the bliss of beholding our little fighter together with my favorite couple whose wedding we missed, celebrating  her arrival. I said no word to John and Sheba of how I felt when I saw them cuddle the newborn. I loved living that moment. What more could I ask, having your best friend and family near you. My heart was filled with gratitude at what I witnessed that day. I beheld tremendous love and support from my parents who prayed me through every moment, as they held their first grand child. I could never forego the joy that lit the faces of my brothers and my best friend, on seeing the baby. But I did miss my in laws.They should have missed that moment too. It was their second grand child but first grand daughter. And last but not the least the happiness of my husband, the love of my life who became the father of our beautiful baby girl. An icing on the cake was the fact that she resembled him. The most common remark I oft hear from mothers is that, the mothers carry the child for 40 weeks and out comes the baby looking like their dad.
All is well that ends well. The words that best describe what I witnessed could only be referred from that book which I value as the standard to live and cherish. Thus those beautiful words are as follows, Lamentation 3:22-23 "The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, His mercies never come to an end. They are new every morning, Great is your faithfulness"